City of Angeles (Memoirs of Marlayna Glynn Brown) by Marlayna Glynn Brown

Author:Marlayna Glynn Brown [Glynn Brown, Marlayna]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
Publisher: Bawer House Artisanal Publishing
Published: 2014-01-14T05:00:00+00:00

Chapter Thirty-Two

Zerachiel's name means 'God's command' and he is one of the primary Angels who leads souls to judgement. An Angel of Healing, he is also the presiding Angel of the sun, Prince of ministering Angels who watch over mortals, and the Angel of children, particularly children of parents who have sinned and who are at risk of falling into sin as adults themselves.

There are things in life that happen without your having a hand in them. Then there are the things for which you are directly responsible. Pregnancy is one of the second things. It is entirely preventable and does not happen without your participation. I, a champion of human life and success and accomplishment and love, am now a murderer.

And once the deed is done, it cannot be undone.

It haunts me in the coming days, and weeks, and months. I lose weight. I have trouble sleeping. I feel as if I've now brought upon myself and future children a curse. I was gifted with the blessing of a human life and I had it murdered. Why? Because I was afraid I could not care for it properly. While it seemed like a good argument at the time, the surge of thoughts and feelings that follow the abortion sway me in all directions. If only I would have taken more time to think through my decision. I should have sought counseling. I should have spoken with others. I could have worked around this somehow, even if I had to do support my child alone and Chance and I went our separate ways. I did not have to become my mother, and drink and drag my child through my own string of broken and dysfunctional relationships. I could have done it differently. And now I've murdered the child and this is a bad thing because it cannot be undone. Ever.

My relationship with Chance is now sullied in my consciousness. Though I continue to share a life, a bed, a roof and meals with him, he is complicit in the murder of our child. There must be a way to atone for our sin, but aside from erasing the act itself, I'm powerless to know how we can fix such an ugly thing.

It haunts me. Oh, how it haunts me.

On the outside, I appear to carry on with my life. I am accepted at Cal State Long Beach and prepare for the second half of my undergraduate degree. I continue working. I continue exercising. Chance and I continue to see movies together. On the inside, my thoughts swim in a pool of regret. The delicate heat of the summer arrives. We walk along the boardwalk, eat ice cream and lie on the sand. But my body is a perfect toned shell that houses the soul of a murderer.

Chance suggests we move to his mother's house. He says we can save money. So we give notice at our beautiful little studio apartment that overlooks the sea and move inland to his mother's 1920 home in an older area of Los Angeles.

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